Birthday Wars
by www.Wrathchan.com
Summary: It's Jean Havoc's birthday! Mustang, Havoc and friends go to the beach, where a nasty battle goes on between them over yet ANOTHER woman. SPOILER FREE! R&R! I didn't go over it, sorry for any mistakes like 'hanging room' instead of 'changing room' opopso!


Birthday Wars

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"Gah! That's not helping at all!" Colonel Mustang yelled as Hawkeye pushed down on his back. "Quite yer bitchin' Mustang!" Havoc said, looking up from his magazine (Please don't ask me what he was reading). "Hey, if you pulled a muscle like he did, you would be crying, lieutenant Havoc." Hawkeye said from the corner of her mouth. "And Taisa, quit fidgeting, or else it'll only mess up more!" she said strictly. Roy stopped. "This kills...are you sure this'll work?"

"Positive..." she said, and pushed on his back once more with both hands.

Havoc just fwished his hand and took out a cigarette. "Augh, damn it! I forgot my lighter!" he said. He looked over at Roy. "Uhh, h-hey, buddy?" he asked, pointing to the cigarette with puppy-dog eyes. "No" Roy said, closing his eyes. Havoc's eyes got small. "B-but--"

"Aw, geez! I think you can wait till you get home, _buddy_!" Roy said irritated. "Lieutenant Havoc, don't make him angry." Riza said, warningly. Jean sighed. "Fine..." Riza pushed down on Roy's back once more, causing it to crack. "DAMN IT!" Roy yelled. "STOP!"

Without a word, Riza stopped. "There, now doesn't the feel better?" she asked, calmly.

"WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT! IT FEELS---" Roy started screaming, until he noticed he was standing straight, and was no longer leaning to the side. "---much better, uhh...thanks."

Riza smiled. There was a knock at the door. "Who is it? Come in!" Roy said. Jean spit the cigarette out in the trash can next to his desk as fast as he could. The fuhrer walked in. "Hello. I have wonderful news for you." he said, smiling. "What is it, sir?" Roy asked. The fhurer's smile turned to a smirk. "Sir?" Riza asked. Mustang and Hawkeye were confused, but Havoc wasn't. "Lieutenant Havoc...what day it today...?" the fhurer asked. "... My birthday, sir..." Jean said, grinning a bit. The fhurer nodded. "Yes...and a special friend of yours has paid for you, Hawkeye, Mustang, Armstrong, Feury, Falman, Ross, Brosh, and Hughes to take the day off and go to the beach for your birthday!" he said smiling. "Oh, and who's this 'special friend' sir?" Havoc asked. The fhurer smiled. "Me..." he said happily.

Havoc smiled. He bowed. "Why thank you..." he said. "When do we leave."

"There's a car waiting for you..." Fhurer Bradley said.

"WHOOPIE!" said Hughes, who heard the whole thing from the other side of the door. "Let's go!"

Roy smiled. "Mine feels great!" he said proudly. Riza smiled. "Alright, who's riding with who?" she asked. "Lieutenanat Riza Hawkeye, Lieutenant Jean Havoc, Colonel Roy Mustang, Major Alex Armstrong, and Major Maes Hughes are in one car. Lieutenant Maria Ross, Lieutenant Heymans Breda, Warrant officer Vato Falman, Sergeant Major Kain Feury, and Sergeant Denny Brosh in another. (weird names!) Have fun!" The fhurer said smiling. Everyone got in their cars, and drove off to the beach.

Once at the beach, all of the guys ran into their own hanging room like it was their first time at the beach. Riza and Maria just shrugged, and set up towels under a palm tree. There were lots of them. Riza went into a changing room. Maria waited and saved their seat. "Hmm...there's a lot of palm trees." she said to herself. She looked at a bunch of them lined up, and saw an unusually short one...wearing black clothing. "What the---someone dressed a palm tree?"

The men dame flooding out of the changing stalls. Roy and Jean were the only ones who weren't wearing shirts (Thank god!). Roy was wearing black swim shorts, which turned red at the bottom. Havoc was wearing dark green swim shorts, which, for some UNKNOWN reason, were singed (However ya spell it) at the bottom.

Roy laughed, remembering the time he customized Jean's shorts for him. Breda, Feury, Falman, and Brosh were wearing blue swim shorts with white shirts. "Awww man!" said Breda. "None of you ever told me you would wear blue!" The others shrugged. "Whatever..."

"Where's Alex and Maes?" Havoc asked. "Armstrong is probably trying to find a suit that would fit around his 'oh so muscular' waist, and Hughes is probably super-gluing pictures of his daughter to his shorts!" Roy said, snorting. "Where's Hawkeye?" he demanded. The others laughed. "What's so funny!" Roy asked. "HAH! You are, loverboy!" Breda blurted. Roy closed his eyes, and an eyebrow twitched. "Shut up, unless you want your shorts to end up like Havoc's..." Roy said, annoyed. Breda's eyes grew wide. "Yea, okay, whatever...but really, where is she." Breda was hit across the head with some sort of blunt, metal object. "Oww, Mustang! What'd you d--" Breda began, but was cut off by himself. "Uhh...you didn't..." he said turning around.

"Hello lieutenant Breda..." Riza said, putting her gun away. Breda backed away. "Ah heheh..."

Riza snorted and walked off. "Well, that went over well, don'tcha think?" Falman said sarcastically. "Shut up, ya old fart!" Breda screamed. Roy and Havoc were in a complete trans. Hawkeye was wearing a bikini top, and a long, flowy skirt. She sat down next to Maria, who was wearing her clothes.

"Aren't you gonna change?" Riza asked. "No, because I'm not going in. Look at that palm tree, someone dressed it, and call me crazy, but I think it just moved." Maria said. "uhh...are you feeling well?" Riza asked sarcastically. "I'm not kidding, Hawkeye, look!"

Hawkeye looked. "What the---!" She said as the palm tree was hit in the head by a beach ball. "Oww!" it screamed. "You moron!" Riza couldn't believe her eyes. "Uhh, I think I need to get out of this heat, it's making me insane." Riza said. She sat further under the palm tree for more shade. "Oh, Hawkeye!" said a voice from behind. "Oh god, what now?" Riza asked herself, and stood up. "Yes, sir?"

Roy grabbed her arm. "Let's go!" Riza grabbed the palm tree with her other arm. "Go where?" she asked. "To the water of course!" Roy said with a smile. "Come on, do you want Jean to be sad because you missed out on his birthday?" Roy asked, wimpering. "Well, no. But, sir---"

"No buts, let's go!" he said, tugging harder. _Well, I suppose it IS his birthday..._Riza thought to herself. "Alright, alright!" she said as she let go of the tree. Roy dragged her to the shore, picked her up, and threw her into the water. She came, crawling to the shore, gasping for air, soaked. "Y-you idiot! I never told you to throw me into the water!" she said, getting up. Roy bent down, smirking. "You never said I couldn't" he whispered. Maes and Armstong finally came out. Wow, Roy was right. "Sorry I'm late, these pictures just didn't want to stay on! Good thing they're water proof!" Maes said, laughing. "And I apoligize as well, but nothing would fit around the Armstrong body. It's been this way for the Armstrongs for generations!" Alex said proudly. "Hey guys! What's happening? That's what I thought, well, Havoc is over there!" he said quickly as he pointed in a random direction. "Alright, now go say hi, see ya later!" he said, pushing them. Maes turned around and winked. Roy gave him a deadly look and whispered. "You just go and watch the show, okay?" Hughes nodded, excitedly.

Roy turned around, and Riza was nowhere to be seen. "Hawkeye?" He asked. There were footsteps behind him. "Huh?" he turned around, only to have a bucket of water thrown on him. "Lieutenant...I never said you could throw a bucket of water on me."

"You never said I couldn't." she said, walking off. The other men were on the ground laughing. "Oh, and you could do any better!" Roy screamed. Havoc stood, wiping a tear away. "Yea, watch me!" he said, walking over to Hawkeye. "Hey lieutenant!" he said. "Hello Jean." Riza replied. "What's the matter?" Jean sat next to her. Maria knew what was going on. She looked over at Mustang, and walked toward him.

"Well..." Havoc began. "What did you get me for my birthday!" he said, excited. Riza froze. "Uhh...umm..." she sighed. _Damn! I forgot a freakin present! Great, Hawkeye, just great!_ the thought to herself. "I, uhh...don't wanna ruin the surprise." she said. Jean got teary-eyed. "Oh...okay." there was a moment of silence. "How about some volley ball!" He asked. "Huh?"

Havoc grabbed Riza's arm, and pulled her over to the volley ball court. "Alright, lets pick teams." Havoc said. "I'll be captain of one, and Roy can be captain of another!" Roy shook his head. "No, how about someone else is captain?" Roy asked. "It's MY birthday." Havoc said.

"Hawkeye!" Havoc shouted.

Roy growled. "Armstrong!"

"Feury!"

"Falman!"

"Breda!"

"Hughes!"

"Ross!"

"Brosh!" Mustang picked last. Brosh sighed. "I'm always picked last." he said. Mustang snorted. "Okay, so on my team, is Hawkeye, Feury, Breda, and Ross."

Roy nodded. "And mine, Armstrong, Falman, Hughes, and Brosh! Let the game begin!" Everyone nodded. "And...GO!" Havoc shouted, serving the ball. Mustang hit it to Breda, who hit it to Falman, who hit it to Feury, who hit it to Brosh, who hit it to Ross, who hit it to Mustang, who hit it to Hawkeye. Riza jumped up into the air, and pounded on the ball as hard as she could to Mustang. It hit him in the face. "GAAH!" Roy yelled as he fell to the ground. Havoc smiled. "We get a point!" Riza stood in terror. "Roy! Are you alright!" she said running to him. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" she knelt down. "Oww, Hawkeye, you sure can hit hard." Roy said, feeling his face. This pissed Havoc off. He growled with anger. His eyebrow twitched. _Damn him...he did that on purpose..._

Later that day...

"Whooo!" Havoc screamed, as he threw a beach ball to Breda. They were playing monkey in the middle with Feury. Mustang rolled his eyes. Riza, on the other hand, began laughing as she watched them. Jean smiled at Riza. Mustang shot him a deadly look. "Hey, Hawkeye, wanna go walk along the shore with me?" Roy asked. Riza stood and nodded. "Okay, but no water." Roy smiled and stood, holding Riza's hand, Roy smirked at Havoc, and Jean short HIM a deadly look. Hawkeye and Mustang walked along the shore. They were talking about restaurants they've been to, when Hawkeye tripped over something round buried in the sand. "What's that?" she said, as Roy helped her up. "It looks like a head."

"It---it IS a head!" Riza screamed. A rather large man emerged from the sand. "Aww, I was sleeping!" he said. "You woke me, and now, I will eat you!"

Riza's eyes widened. "H-huh!" she asked. "GREGORY!" said a voice. "I told you not to pretend to eat someone!" A woman with long black hair came running toward them. "Yes Lu---I mean, Lefawnduh! (wtf)"

"I'm sorry, my little...uh, big son is a little, uhh...weird." said the woman. Roy nodded. "No problem." Riza said. "Hey _Lefawnduh!_" Said another voice retardedly. _What a moron, picking a name like Lafawnduh! _The voice thought to itself. "What is it, En--Evan?" 'Lafawnduh' asked. Riza's eyes grew wide. _Th-that's the palm tree! _Riza thought to herself. "What're you lookin' at, lady!" Env---uhh. 'Evan' asked. Riza just looked at him. "Uhh..."

"Well! We should be going, thanks, uhh...why am I saying thanks? Ummm, bye!" Roy said, pulling on Riza's arm and walking off.

After Roy and Riza returned, everyone's attention turned to Havoc, as he opened his presents. "Thanks Alex, I've always wanted uuh..." he said as he read the label. "Super Mario Brothers..." (wtf). "This is from me, Glacier (What's her name!), and Elisia!" Hughes said, handing Havoc a package. "Uhh thanks" he said as he took the package. He opened it, and inside was a cake. "Did Glacier bake it?" he asked. Hughes nodded. "Sure did! And Elisia drew you a picture!" he said, happily. Havoc smiled. After opening everyone elses gift, Mustang's was the only one left. Havoc raised an eyebrow. He opened the present, and inside was a white flag. Havoc laughed, and Roy did too. Everyone else, except for Hughes, was completely confused. (Hughes- ;D)

That Night...

Havoc looked at all his presents. "These are great!" he said. He looked at the white flag again, and laughed. He noticed, there was actually small writing on the back, which read:

_Dear Jean,_

_...The battle is over...the war, however is just begining!_

_Yours turly,_

_Mustang!_

Jean's eyes lowered. "Very well, Mustang...LET THERE BE WAR!" he said, shooting up from his chair, and banging his head on a light, oddly misplaced in his office. "Damn it! Stupid light!" Havoc said, feeling his head. He sighed as he slipped under the covers of his bed, and fell asleep, dreaming about beating Mustang's sorry butt in their so called 'war'.

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Ahem...Whaaaat? Envy is a palm tree! HE SO IS! Sorry, I had to disquise them, in the most humorus way possible. Hope yah liked eet! R&R if you value your life! BWAHAHHA! kidding, kidding...but, please R&R!


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